Dusted off

 You know how the Bible says that with the Lord, a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years are like a day?  Well, it has been close to 10 years since I last posted on here. It seems like both, a thousand years, but at the same time, only a day.  Over the summer, my friend referenced a post I had made and how it continues to encourage her. I was shocked.  First of all, because of how bad my memory is. (Welcome to the 40's!) I didn't remember the story she was talking about until she went into detail and then I began to remember it quite clearly. But, I was especially stunned because I felt like the Lord had been nudging me to write again.  There have been many times that I have experienced situations that have caused me to see a connection with my walk with the Lord. Or maybe other times, He has given me imagery about certain spiritual lessons. In the end, these things get lost in day to day life, never to resurface again unless I have jotted something down in my Notes app on my phone.

Alas, I figured I would dust off the laptop, update my forgotten password and take up writing again.  

Since my last post, I have moved to another country, picked up another language (maybe, sorta, kinda), became a pastor's wife and have met hundreds of different people from all around the world. Coming up on what will soon be a decade, I would say that I'm just a shadow of the person I once was.  Now, hear me out. I'm still in love with my husband, I still enjoy being with my children (except for the times they think they hate me...I know better😏) and I am still in awe of the love and grace of the Lord.  But I think in the course of the last ten years, there has been a bit of losing myself that I have continued to experience. A loss of "home" (not just speaking about a house), a loss of familiarity (even/especially in ministry), a loss of "security", and darn it, I've even lost a bit of my humor. Memes in a foreign language. Dead. 

To some extent, I can relate to Paul when he writes to the Corinth church. He says, 

"When I first came to you, dear brothers and sisters, I didn’t use lofty words and impressive wisdom to tell you God’s secret plan. For I decided that while I was with you I would forget everything except Jesus Christ, the one who was crucified. I came to you in weakness—timid and trembling. And my message and my preaching were very plain. Rather than using clever and persuasive speeches, I relied only on the power of the Holy Spirit. I did this so you would trust not in human wisdom but in the power of God." (1 Corinthians 2:1-5)

This loss, even though sometimes I do mourn over it, is not a bad thing. In fact, I think it necessary...trusting in the power of God.

I have taken much comfort in knowing that the Lord has called us, fully seeing and knowing our weaknesses and failures.  As a pastor shared with us this summer, "There are people that could do the job better, but God called you." Ouch and amen.  Oh, how it hurts so good. IYKYK

I will allow this space to be an honest reflection of how my sheer humanity can allow the strength and providence of our God to be on display.

Clink clink for what's to come.

My little boy

Cubby,
I look at you and can not imagine what my life would be like without you in it.  How could I go throughout the day without seeing you do your little shuffle walk as you motion to me with your hand and say, "i show you." Or doing your funny walk...learned by the master himself, your daddy.  What about hearing all your cute little words thrown out throughout the day? "i humwee" when you need a snack, "PANE!" when you hear something up in the sky, "sissy, sissy!" when you want to show her something...but there is a special way you do your s's that nobody can imitate. i love that about you.  A common thing heard around the house these days is hearing you sing "parumpapapum."  Daddy or I will sing the other parts when we notice you singing it and you interject your parumpapaums just perfectly in the exact place they belong and usually pretty close to the tune.  When we are in the car, and we see some christmas lights, we can bank on it that out of your precious little mouth will come, " mo lights." I love that you respond "cubby" when asked what your name is.  And that when I whisper I love you, you answer "i love you" with a whisper as well.  Or if I mouth you some words across the table with no noise and you absolutely have no clue what i'm saying because i'm not saying anything, you play along and lip some nonwords right back at me.  I love that you still think your pointer fingers are your thumbs.  You have the cutest thumbs up. ever.  You have a soft spot in your heart for babies.  Especially Brissy and you'll protect her from all other people. Especially those nursery kids who want to give her a toy or a kiss.  You are doing well, my son.  You also adore your big sissy.  You love to hide with her, tackle her and do every little thing she does (and says).  She's your bff and I think that's just grand.  I love that when you hear your daddy unlock the door as he comes home, you dont run to him but run to the bathroom to hide with us (mommy, sissy and brissy) so he will come find us and scare us (especially brissy) and then we can be all giddy and laughy and begin a chase around the house.  I love how you want 2 of everything, mainly mommys green tea mints that our family is addicted to.
I love that I have had 2 years to get to study you, care for you, love you and know you.  You are my son, and I am taken with you. I love you! Happy 2nd Birthday, Samuel Josiah.

My little man cub

We were at Goodwin's Organic Foods a few evenings ago to eat before going to check out the lights at the Mission Inn.  Este was away getting some drinks for us, the kids were in their seats and I was up doing something.  I saw out of the corner of my eye Samuel pulling my chair.  As I got closer I saw that he moved it right next to him and he said, "right here!" as he pointed down to the chair.  I sat down and he held out his hands and said, "pray." We held hands, he bowed his head and said Jesus and a few other words that I couldn't understand (maybe food) and then amen. He looked up, smiled and dug into his food.
My heart. Oh this child has my heart.  And I pray that his little heart would catch a glimpse of Jesus and run hard after Him for all of his life.  Praying that he continues to help "lead" these gals when his daddy has stepped away:)

 

 

 

 

 

Unworthy

Though I have been a born again Christian since I was little, I have struggled with my eternal security off and on for a lot of my life.  In my young days, I struggled because I never knew the exact day I asked Jesus to come into my heart. This bugged me so much b/c of the testimonies I would hear and it seemed as if they always knew the exact day they got "saved."  (Now having children of my own, I totally see how being raised in a christian family, it can be like a natural step of faith.  Like my daughter, "of course I asked Jesus to forgive my sins and come into my heart.") As I got older, I struggled because there was no big transformation in my life once I decided to follow Jesus. I was like 4 or 5. I was not a school skipper, pathological liar or a drug dealer.  Had there been any kind of change?  I also struggled because I knew how wretched I was. 
In this world, we run on a works based system. EVERYTHING is determined, for the most part, by our performance.  It was so hard for me to understand grace. True grace. Undeserved merit.  I can not earn it. It's given.  In my head I got it and sometimes in my heart I did but I would find myself wavering back to that old covenant way of thinking.  There was no way Jesus would accept me, I was unworthy of His love. I was filthy and undeserving. 
A few years ago, my family went on a camping trip with our church about 4 hours away.  On the way back we decided to stop in our favorite California city, Pasadena, and hit up priceline to see if we could get into a nice hotel for cheap.  We ended up getting an amazing deal and decided to stop.  I soon realized as we pulled up to the hotel where there was only valet parking, that our car was dirty, filled to the brim with all our stuff...nothing was put away...we had bags of this and that everywhere, i hadn't showered, had dirty old clothes on and I did not want to go in.  On top of this, I knew that we had paid so much less for this amazing room than what the normal rate was.
I hopped out of the car as we pulled up to the door, deciding that i would let Este face the valet workers and get our stuff somewhat together, as I'm sure a crowd of people were gathering to see such a sight (I kid, I kid). I went inside to check in.  I was just waiting for the employee behind the desk to look at me, laugh and say, "really??" As I was standing there waiting as she looked up our info on the computer, Jesus began to speak in such a powerful way to my heart.  No matter how filthy I am, how much I don't look and for that matter FEEL like I don't belong...or even that I don't necessarily deserve a spot in the hotel because of how little we paid...the thing is is that my room had been reserved...my way had been paid and that was that.  There was nothing the lady could do to get me to leave that place b/c my spot was reserved.  How true this is with my place in heaven with Jesus.  No matter how I FEEL, no matter how unworthy I am (Romans 3:10..there is no one righteous, no not one) Jesus has paid my way.  It has nothing to do with me, all to do with HIM.  He is the way, the truth and the life...no one comes to the Father except through Jesus.
I wanted to share this because it is so easy to get wrapped up in our emotions...no matter how long we have been walking with the Lord.  There are even times when you may feel ashamed that you are "still" struggling with certain doubts or temptations, etc.  But that's where the enemy wants us. Ashamed and hidden with our eyes on ourselves. 
"⁸ For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, ⁹ not of works, lest anyone should boast. " Ephesians 2:8-9
Jesus, the one who was sent to take our place on the cross, fully God yet fully human who lived a perfect life here on earth, He is our savior.  If you call out to Him to forgive you of your sins (filth) He...it is HIM, that makes us white as snow. His righteousness is placed in our account.  Nothing of us. All Him.  Thank you Lord!
(and thank you priceline negotiators...)

BRISTOL HOPE

We have been a family of 5 for 3 1/2 months and it's still hard to believe.  When I had Isabelle,  I wondered how I could ever love another child as much as I do her.  Then there was Samuel.  He made me understand how that was possible.  So while being pregnant with little miss briss, I knew I'd love her just as much but having her here, doing life with us, just feels so good and right.  They are each so precious and special in their own way and they bring such joy and love into this mommas heart.
I wanted to reminisce about Bristol's birth so that I wouldn't forget.
The last month of pregnancy was pretty miserable.  I knew how much work was ahead of me once she came out but my goodness I was ready!  A week before her due date we still did not have a name.  A last name...yes. but no first or middle.  I guess it just goes with our personalities?  My parents were with us when Samuel was born and saw the mess I was  with panic attacks the first 2 weeks after he came (yay for postpartum hormonal issues :/)  So...they decided to come at different times so that I could have as much help as possible. Ahhh, parents are great!  My dad came on the 25th and on the way to the airport to get him, I began contracting regularly.  This had happened a week before but after several hours they let up and disappointment set in.  At first I didn't think anything and then once we picked him up I realized they were getting closer and were starting to get a bit painful.  We stopped at In and Out on the way home (which never is just in and out). As we were stuck in the drive thru line, i started to panic a little wondering if Id get home in time to meet up with este, make it to the hospital...AND GET A NAME!  Este called me as we were driving and I told him what was going on and he said, "hey, how do you like the name Bristol."  He didn't know but I had thought about that name weeks before but never brought it up to him.  I said, " i like it!" with a big smile that he couldn't see.  Ahhhh! We had a name!!!
Anyways, once we got home they began to fade...and again disappointment set in.  This pretty much happened for the next few days.  I was over it.  It was painful, I couldn't sleep but then they'd go away. I thought that maybe she'd be born on my birthday (27th) but it came and went and no bristol.  The next day I began having contractions (again) and this time it just kept coming every 3-5 minutes and they were getting really painful.  I was so nervous that they would end up leaving again but they were seemingly sticking around so I began getting everything ready.  I set up everything for the kids at home with notes and bottles and everything set out for my dad...yes, even instructions for how to use the tv remote (this would be a lifeline with the kids)  While I was getting ready, Este and my dad were watching Duck Dynasty.  This is the best show to watch...whenever. It's so happy and funny and a nice retreat for your head.  After I got done getting ready, I let Este know that he needed to get his butt in gear.  I had my dad take one last picture of me and my preggo belly before we were off.  It was so comforting having him here.  My biggest fear was that the contractions would leave or I wasn't dilated enough and they'd send me home. I just couldn't deal with going through all of this AGAIN.  I don't remember being in so much pain on the way to the hospital with the other 2.  I mean, i felt every bump and every turn.  We got there and I about smacked the older ladies "helping" me at the desk.  "are you in labor?"  UMm.  really?  why else would we be standing (painfully breathing every 3 minutes) if I wasn't?  and then they couldn't find mein the computer. what? i had totally registered with them AND had my other 2 kids there.  the lady, after having another lady help her, laughed and said , "oops i typed your name in wrong,"  I sure didn't feel filled with the Spirit!
We got upstairs and they took me right in.  The nurse could not find any veins and said that I might be having contractions because i was so dehydrated.  She was going to give me some water and wait an hour.  They would admit me if I had changed 1 cm in an hour. (i was at a 4)  I pleaded with her as I told her that with my other 2 i didn't dilate till i had my epidural (which is totally true)  Este and I prayed and my contractions began to get closer and stronger. Jesus really does hear our cries!  The nurse came back after an hour and checked me.  She "helped" me out a little and said "oh, you're a 5...lets get you admitted!"  I love her.
We went to the room and ordered up the best thing in all the world, an epidural.  Life just feels perfect when you have an epidural.  When that pain starts to fade it's such an amazing feeling.  Este put on some duck dynasty for me and told me to rest. We turned the lights off, he went to sleep and I tried to but I was feeling too good.  It was so great just relaxing. I couldn't believe that she was coming.  To this day, I think that this is my most favorite part of the pregnancy.  In no pain, shes about to be here and it's so stinkin exciting and almost surreal.
My contractions were beginning to slow a little so they gave me some pitocin.  After a bit, a nurse came in and asked if i was feeling any pressure. I wasn't at all and I was a bit surprised that I wasn't cause I remember feeling that pressure with the other two.  She decided to check me and when she did, my water popped.  all of a sudden i felt. the. pressure. I told her and she said, "well if it gets stronger, just let me know."  She left the room and it was so strong but I wanted to wait cause she was just there. I thought she probably would think t I was making it up or something. After about 10 minutes a handful of nurses filled the room and I realized something was wrong.  They began turning me and putting oxygen on me.  Este woke up to all of this happening. They had lost her heartbeat.  I was in shock.  After they got it again, I just began crying. I couldn't stop I was just so scared.  They checked me again and the nurse said, "she is right here! call the doctor!"  I wanted to push right then but they said I had to wait for the doctor.  What????  I asked how far she lived and they didn't know.  I was ready!  After 10-15 minutes the cutest Dr in the world...dr safie came in with a messy ponytail and tired eyes and the sweetest little voice.  She got her gloves on and let me push.  I think I pushed 3 times and my girl was outta there.  She gave us a screech that the nurses said they heard outside of the room.  That girl was mine and I couldn't believe how beautiful she was.  Our Bristol Hope was born 5/29/2013 at 5:19 am.
Bristol means Bridge.  Her middle name is Hope. This is our prayer for our girl...that she would be that bridge to pple bringing them hope in Jesus' name.  That she would proclaim His name and the beautiful gospel to many, many people. 
The next few days was quite chaotic and scary...dealing with postpartum panic attacks and then our Brissy was sent into the NICU because the nurse said she had turned blue and stopped breathing.  The thing that we want to remember is that our Jesus is the Healer and our protector and He has allowed us to bring a beautiful healthy baby girl home and join our lives...and for that we are so thankful. 

We were finally able to bring her home 3 days later and the kids met her for the first time.  It was better than I could have ever imagined.  It was instant love and affection.  And truly, 3 1/2 months later, it's still that.
What a beautiful blessing siblings are.
I'm one thankful wife, mother and daughter.  To Jesus be all the glory forever and ever.

Here's to being a busy momma :)

My desire is to blog ...every week.  I want to blog for a few reasons.  I want to be able to thumb through it and remember specific things that will slip my mind in time and I also want my kids to, one day, be able to read this and see how crazy in love I am with them.  However, a busy life does not create much time to sit down and type out blog entries.  I am trying to remind myself that spending time with my family is way more important than taking time to keep up on the blog.  Everyone always told me that once you have your second child, they never get as many pictures and stuff like that.  I think now that I have 3 kiddos, it's impossible. No way no how.  Too bad my time doesnt expand with each child like my heart does.
For a quick update, my Peppy girl is now 4 years old.  She's my little woman.  She loves to sing and dance, encourage and love on people, and she loves being a big sissy.  Samuel is almost 18 months old.  He's my cubby.  He's so cuddly and affectionate, hilarious and mimicks everything we do...especially his sissy. And then Bristol came along 3 weeks ago.  What a doll.  She is an amazing little baby that has already stolen my heart.  How can three little people each have my whole heart?  Being a momma is a blessing from straight from the Lord.
Peppy girl is such a routine kid...when it comes to night night.  Este and I have to say this every. single. night. One day, Im going to miss it.....
Im not going to leave, it's not dark, i think you should sleep regularly, i'll just go downstairs, i love you oh how i love you and night night.  You dont wanna watch bo on the go, wonder pets, angelina ballerina, the popcorn, my little pony or the soup because there's scary stuff in them.  We wont make any noise, it's not dark because you have 2 night lights and your ladybug and i love you.
she calls these her canotions.  hilarious this girl is. 
Samuel is going to be some kind of ball player.  He is already amazing at throwing a ball, kicking a ball, hitting a golf ball and dribbling.  seriously.  He also likes to sing...and sings quite a bit with peppy and myself.  He loves his blanky that he calls his "baby." and still sucks his finger just like his sister. ahhh.
Bristol is not even a month old yet and has begun to respond a few time with smiling.  I dont think the other kids did so this early.  She is on a good schedule and is not fussy most of the time.  She truly is a joy to have a part of our family.
Here's to being a busy mom with a lot of love to give...and a blog post hopefully coming sooner than the next year :)

10 months

My little cubby is 10 months old today. I can't believe it and I also can't believe how much we are all so in love with him. He has won our hearts over and we just can't get enough of him. I was holding him and rocking him last night...and as his body molded perfectly into mine, I began to thank the Lord for this precious miracle baby of mine. I then began to pray over him...for many things, but most importantly that he would be in love with Jesus. In the past couple of weeks, I have been drawn to this chapter in the book of Psalms

Psalm 127
1 Unless the Lord builds the house, They labor in vain who build it; Unless the Lord guards the city, The watchman stays awake in vain.
2 It is vain for you to rise up early, To sit up late, To eat the bread of sorrows; For so He gives His beloved sleep.
3 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward.
4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one’s youth.
5 Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; They shall not be ashamed, But shall speak with their enemies in the gate.

How true this is. Blessed is Esteban and myself for the children we have. May we allow the Lord to build our house...and may my laboring not be in vain.

Some fun stuff about my Sam Sam:
*He is a smiley little thing. His smile easily melts my heart in an instant
*He thinks Peppy is a comedian...even if she's not speaking, she's hilarious to him.
*She's his favorite, i do believe
*He started crawling this past month. So far, it's been fun. I love seeing his chubby legs going across the floor.
*Peppy loves to pick him up and carry him around...he loves it too, cause once again, she's his fav. *He loves to eat finger foods. Loves it. Loves it....
*He says mama, dada, we swear he said night night last night, nana, kinda hi, and he will mimic all kinds of sounds we make. He does more and all done in sign language.
*He can also be an angry eater....grunting and yelling when he wants more. He is doing much better with doing the more sign instead of his caveman like actions.
*When he gets excited, which can be quite often, he rolls his ankles and wrists in circles. Just thinking about it makes me giggle.
*He adores the kitty. and actually kinda says kitty.
*He has 8 teeth and in the process of getting his 9th.
  *He will give high five and clap
*He loves his blankie...and always sucks his 2 fingers when he has it.
*Lots of people think he looks just like his sister. I think I agree.
*He really enjoys playing with balls...and now that he crawls, he can chase after them.
*He likes chasing after sissy while I'm carrying him.
*He enjoys our dance parties, with our jammies, in our family room...he mainly laughs at us. I mourn the day where the giggling will turn into rolling of the eyes
*He starts jumping in my arms when i approach the office door...for he knows his daddy is close!

*He's going to be a big brother. What? Yes. Seeing how much our lil Sammy adds to our family, we are delighted to add another bundle of joy to the mix. All I can say is, Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus! You are so good to me!

Psalm 128
1 Blessed is every one who fears the Lord, Who walks in His ways.
2 When you eat the labor of your hands, You shall be happy, and it shall be well with you.
3 Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine In the very heart of your house, Your children like olive plants All around your table.
4 Behold, thus shall the man be blessed Who fears the Lord.
5 The Lord bless you out of Zion, And may you see the good of Jerusalem All the days of your life.
6 Yes, may you see your children’s children. Peace be upon Israel!