Unworthy

Though I have been a born again Christian since I was little, I have struggled with my eternal security off and on for a lot of my life.  In my young days, I struggled because I never knew the exact day I asked Jesus to come into my heart. This bugged me so much b/c of the testimonies I would hear and it seemed as if they always knew the exact day they got "saved."  (Now having children of my own, I totally see how being raised in a christian family, it can be like a natural step of faith.  Like my daughter, "of course I asked Jesus to forgive my sins and come into my heart.") As I got older, I struggled because there was no big transformation in my life once I decided to follow Jesus. I was like 4 or 5. I was not a school skipper, pathological liar or a drug dealer.  Had there been any kind of change?  I also struggled because I knew how wretched I was. 
In this world, we run on a works based system. EVERYTHING is determined, for the most part, by our performance.  It was so hard for me to understand grace. True grace. Undeserved merit.  I can not earn it. It's given.  In my head I got it and sometimes in my heart I did but I would find myself wavering back to that old covenant way of thinking.  There was no way Jesus would accept me, I was unworthy of His love. I was filthy and undeserving. 
A few years ago, my family went on a camping trip with our church about 4 hours away.  On the way back we decided to stop in our favorite California city, Pasadena, and hit up priceline to see if we could get into a nice hotel for cheap.  We ended up getting an amazing deal and decided to stop.  I soon realized as we pulled up to the hotel where there was only valet parking, that our car was dirty, filled to the brim with all our stuff...nothing was put away...we had bags of this and that everywhere, i hadn't showered, had dirty old clothes on and I did not want to go in.  On top of this, I knew that we had paid so much less for this amazing room than what the normal rate was.
I hopped out of the car as we pulled up to the door, deciding that i would let Este face the valet workers and get our stuff somewhat together, as I'm sure a crowd of people were gathering to see such a sight (I kid, I kid). I went inside to check in.  I was just waiting for the employee behind the desk to look at me, laugh and say, "really??" As I was standing there waiting as she looked up our info on the computer, Jesus began to speak in such a powerful way to my heart.  No matter how filthy I am, how much I don't look and for that matter FEEL like I don't belong...or even that I don't necessarily deserve a spot in the hotel because of how little we paid...the thing is is that my room had been reserved...my way had been paid and that was that.  There was nothing the lady could do to get me to leave that place b/c my spot was reserved.  How true this is with my place in heaven with Jesus.  No matter how I FEEL, no matter how unworthy I am (Romans 3:10..there is no one righteous, no not one) Jesus has paid my way.  It has nothing to do with me, all to do with HIM.  He is the way, the truth and the life...no one comes to the Father except through Jesus.
I wanted to share this because it is so easy to get wrapped up in our emotions...no matter how long we have been walking with the Lord.  There are even times when you may feel ashamed that you are "still" struggling with certain doubts or temptations, etc.  But that's where the enemy wants us. Ashamed and hidden with our eyes on ourselves. 
"⁸ For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, ⁹ not of works, lest anyone should boast. " Ephesians 2:8-9
Jesus, the one who was sent to take our place on the cross, fully God yet fully human who lived a perfect life here on earth, He is our savior.  If you call out to Him to forgive you of your sins (filth) He...it is HIM, that makes us white as snow. His righteousness is placed in our account.  Nothing of us. All Him.  Thank you Lord!
(and thank you priceline negotiators...)